To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.
That's the one of the best parts of life, second only to having a partner for life. My mind has been trying to put myself down quite a bit recently, which inevitably gets my mood down.
One of them is the fact that I'm always alone. I have got nothing against being so, in fact I prefer solitude, but sometimes, I stay alone too long, which gets me lonely.
But when I am yearning for the company of a friend, it feels as it I do not have anyone who can just sit down and just have each other's company for hours.
And that leads me to think that I have not been a good enough friend for anyone. It's not up to me to judge, and deep down, I would rather a friend step up and say,"Hey, you've been a great friend and I really appreciate you."
It is hard being an introvert, especially if you are a guy. I dont tend to be the one to take initiative, in striking up conversations, in contacting old friends, in offering help and in letting people into my life. I am not contemplating suicide, and I really hope that day will never come.
Another thing would be, something in my life that's well. I'm not complaining about the state of the life I am in, but it is really wretched now. My academic life is flailing in distress, my social life has not been alive for a very long time, my financial life is nothing to be proud of and my psychological life is on the decline.
My optimism has been high since I was young, always pushing me towards positives in times of adversity or rough patches. However, it is waning of recent. I dont feel as pumped or motivated, where in the past I would be.
In typing all these down, I am not expecting anyone to pity or sympathise with me. It is for me to pour out my feelings and seek release. I really want to feel happy again.
Even if you make the biggest sacrifices, it does not always mean that the other party will appreciate it and reciprocate. I dont think I am a sacrificial lamb, and I hope that at least someday, you can tell that I have done that much for you, and do the same for me.
You can only grow if you're willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.
Blogged at 1:51 am
Revelations makes me feel closer to myself.
I like it when I discover and notice things about myself that I havent taken note of in the past. It shows that at least I'm conscious of myself and I can retrace any bad/undesirable trait easier.
I know for a fact that, I learn better if I put my feelings into it(I know it sounds obvious, but it's not as simple as it looks). For me, it has to be feelings, not mind, not will. But the irony is that, it makes me far too subjective, which distorts everything. I try, but it's hard for me to be objective and judge things as they are.
Another thing is, I hang on to things too tight, to the point that even if circumstances force me to let go, I will be adamant to hold on.It's only when I grudgingly let go, then do I see the vast pastures before me. Still, I rather hold onto something I've always been fond of.
I've got more but I think I'ma leave them for another day. Too tired to think on. Nights.
Blogged at 2:43 am
The sky's the limit.
I've 2 issues to blog about. Perhaps 3, we'll see.
First up is limits. Ever since young, I've never had any limiting factor forced on me, which gave me lots of freedom, which for a fact is good for growth. Thing was, I abused it, which made me think up to this point, that there is no limits to anything.
No, I am not blaming my current character on my upbringing. I just hope to identify myself more by blogging this down. The first kind of limit I am talking about is, in example, no limits to what time I can sleep, no limits to what time I can stay out, no limits to how early or late I can eat my meals. There is no set guideline for me, which lets me do what I want.
However, I'm now suffering from the consequences of that. Those non-limits translated themselves into 'there is no limits to when I will do my homework', which led me on a landslide in my academic progress. Even now, I still cannot properly set a limit to when I will do my work, which affects my academic results greatly.
At least now that I know what's wrong, I will be able to rectify that part of me. I've also read of a method to banish procrastination, but I don't have the ability to type it down such that it's understandable. After all, I'm only good with words; singularly.
The second thing is, up till recently, I have not really looked at people properly, I just look at the person once, and that's it. Even though I notice a new scent, make-up, new clothes or shoes, I will not bother to comment on it unless probed.
At least now, I will bother to take a second look and 'appraise' what the person is wearing, and shower compliments when appropriate. And of course, if I don't look at people, why would I look at myself as well?
That holds true until recently as well. I am more conscious of myself already, not in the vain sense, but the awareness sense. Being a frequent web surfer, I always thought colours hold the main factor in whether clothes and shoes will be compatible.
I now know that, hey, even if the colours are not complementary or contrasting, they still can match. The main thing is the design. I just hope I catch up fast enough to have at least a decent knowledge of fashion.
The third thing I want to talk about is regrets. I've always thought that I will never regret anything I do. Sad to say, that's just an ideal which I hope I can live by, and it starts by learning to live.
So, I just wish to reminisce on my life and reflect upon what I've regretted. It will start from my birth up to this point in my life.
-I regret that I was born at the time and place that I was, though I could not have changed that. But it would have changed my life tremendously, and I dont mean about the future. Something at birth made me who I am now.
-I dont regret that I was born into my family now. I have all the freedom I can get, though not all the familial comfort in the world.
-I dont regret going to tuition. My very first tuition teacher was my very best, the one who is the base of who I am now.
-I dont regret going to WVPS, where I met the best of friends and had wonderful moments which marked my primary school years as the best part of my academic life yet.
-I regret not studying hard enough to make it into RV like the rest of my friends. I know I could have made it, but I wouldnt have deserved it if I did not even study.
-I did not, however, regret coming to CCKSS, where I met friends who I will not forget, particularly in my Sec 3, 4, and repeat of 4.
-I regret, very very much, not taking literature in Sec 3. I could have scored well in that.
-I also did not regret, not for any price, retaking Os. If not for that, I would not have met someone, who means a lot as a friend, and also who is different from the rest of my friends; Wan yi. Of course, there are other friends whom I made in that year, whom I feel are better than those I made in the last 4 years of secondary school life.
-I regretted going into Architecture. I thought I would like it at first, but interest slowly turned into dullness, which turned into torture. Though it really is not that bad, since it's more of I could not adapt to the project based curriculum.
-I regret not professing my love for everyone I care for, most of all my grandfather. So I hope, if I ever say 'I love you', 'I like you', don't shun me or think that I am just making a joke. It takes a great deal of courage to say, and if just because you think that we will stay like that forever, it's time to wake up.
Blogged at 1:45 am
I dont want to regret anything from now on.
I used to think I have never regretted anything I did in the past. But truth is, I regretted. All the opportunities to say "I love you", the chances I had, the choices I made, the feelings I kept inside, the questions I never asked. I know it's impossible to make amends - nor was there a need to, for it was a learning point of my life.
Though I cannot change the past, I can use it to shape my future. I dont ever want to say to myself, "Damn, I should have done that." I dont ever want to lose anything that I could and still can salvage. I cannot change that I am an introvert, but I can still pick up the courage to do what I want. And I will. I want to make every single day of my life count.
I just hope you will treasure me as much as I do.
Blogged at 2:06 am
