Motivation is but temporal, love is but eternal.
Monday, 21 March 2011
I was driven to type after reading the past posts which I penned. They were kind of down, but truly reflected my feelings.
Life's been kind to me, giving me time with many a good friend, catching up on what was missed. But most of all, I'm glad to have my friends back to where they were. I know it will not last, but at least I hope to make the most out of it. I've had it broken once, and I really hope not to have it shattered again.
Sometimes, when life gives you lemons, you dont have to make lemonade. By bartering, you will know the worth of lemons, exchange it for something of more value, sentimental or otherwise, and stay with it for the rest of your life. After a long life with lemons, to suddenly abandon it for something else will be disarming, traumatic at worst, but it can be rewarding as well.
Intimacy. Anything but that. It's hard to attain. Harder to maintain. It's like walking a tightrope, if you get to the other side, you will get immeasurable satisfaction. Enough to last a lifetime.
I'm looking forward to seeing you again.
Blogged at 4:33 am
There's never been a doubt about it.
Monday, 24 January 2011
Hey there. I've got plenty to update about.
First up, I'd like to say I've learnt a lot during the current months. I used to think that life was a bed of roses, which I still think is, but now I'm beginning to feel the thorns.
One way or another, people say ignorance is bliss, but somehow I beg to differ. If it were in the past, I wouldn't mind being ignorant if anything. However, after a learning experience, I wished that I had known enough. At least it's not too late now.
What do you do when you take a fancy to something? Do you save up to buy it, desire it but dont do anything to get it or use any means possible to get it? I believe I will be the saver, but not everyone is the same. If you take too long to acquire the amount necessary, a go-getter will get ahead of you and procure it before you can. And you can kick yourself for all of forever.
I wish you knew more, and I wish you can be more discerning. Or maybe, it's just you. The stone is cast far away, and there seems no sign to find it anymore, not even a feeble effort. Perhaps it's all for the best, when the stone arrives at a new destination and find new life.
Somehow, I can't type everything on my mind out into this blog, because what I truly need is not a virtual space to holler my thoughts at, but a real person who is intent on listening to my tale. If I can do that for others, why cant anyone do that for me? Sometimes, what you do for others, is what you want others to do back for you.
I wonder what's keeping me alive now.
Blogged at 3:00 am
To have a friend and be a friend is what makes life worthwhile.
Saturday, 27 November 2010
That's the one of the best parts of life, second only to having a partner for life. My mind has been trying to put myself down quite a bit recently, which inevitably gets my mood down.
One of them is the fact that I'm always alone. I have got nothing against being so, in fact I prefer solitude, but sometimes, I stay alone too long, which gets me lonely.
But when I am yearning for the company of a friend, it feels as it I do not have anyone who can just sit down and just have each other's company for hours.
And that leads me to think that I have not been a good enough friend for anyone. It's not up to me to judge, and deep down, I would rather a friend step up and say,"Hey, you've been a great friend and I really appreciate you."
It is hard being an introvert, especially if you are a guy. I dont tend to be the one to take initiative, in striking up conversations, in contacting old friends, in offering help and in letting people into my life. I am not contemplating suicide, and I really hope that day will never come.
Another thing would be, something in my life that's well. I'm not complaining about the state of the life I am in, but it is really wretched now. My academic life is flailing in distress, my social life has not been alive for a very long time, my financial life is nothing to be proud of and my psychological life is on the decline.
My optimism has been high since I was young, always pushing me towards positives in times of adversity or rough patches. However, it is waning of recent. I dont feel as pumped or motivated, where in the past I would be.
In typing all these down, I am not expecting anyone to pity or sympathise with me. It is for me to pour out my feelings and seek release. I really want to feel happy again.
Even if you make the biggest sacrifices, it does not always mean that the other party will appreciate it and reciprocate. I dont think I am a sacrificial lamb, and I hope that at least someday, you can tell that I have done that much for you, and do the same for me.
You can only grow if you're willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.
Blogged at 1:51 am
Revelations makes me feel closer to myself.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
I like it when I discover and notice things about myself that I havent taken note of in the past. It shows that at least I'm conscious of myself and I can retrace any bad/undesirable trait easier.
I know for a fact that, I learn better if I put my feelings into it(I know it sounds obvious, but it's not as simple as it looks). For me, it has to be feelings, not mind, not will. But the irony is that, it makes me far too subjective, which distorts everything. I try, but it's hard for me to be objective and judge things as they are.
Another thing is, I hang on to things too tight, to the point that even if circumstances force me to let go, I will be adamant to hold on.It's only when I grudgingly let go, then do I see the vast pastures before me. Still, I rather hold onto something I've always been fond of.
I've got more but I think I'ma leave them for another day. Too tired to think on. Nights.
Blogged at 2:43 am
The sky's the limit.
Sunday, 14 November 2010
I've 2 issues to blog about. Perhaps 3, we'll see.
First up is limits. Ever since young, I've never had any limiting factor forced on me, which gave me lots of freedom, which for a fact is good for growth. Thing was, I abused it, which made me think up to this point, that there is no limits to anything.
No, I am not blaming my current character on my upbringing. I just hope to identify myself more by blogging this down. The first kind of limit I am talking about is, in example, no limits to what time I can sleep, no limits to what time I can stay out, no limits to how early or late I can eat my meals. There is no set guideline for me, which lets me do what I want.
However, I'm now suffering from the consequences of that. Those non-limits translated themselves into 'there is no limits to when I will do my homework', which led me on a landslide in my academic progress. Even now, I still cannot properly set a limit to when I will do my work, which affects my academic results greatly.
At least now that I know what's wrong, I will be able to rectify that part of me. I've also read of a method to banish procrastination, but I don't have the ability to type it down such that it's understandable. After all, I'm only good with words; singularly.
The second thing is, up till recently, I have not really looked at people properly, I just look at the person once, and that's it. Even though I notice a new scent, make-up, new clothes or shoes, I will not bother to comment on it unless probed.
At least now, I will bother to take a second look and 'appraise' what the person is wearing, and shower compliments when appropriate. And of course, if I don't look at people, why would I look at myself as well?
That holds true until recently as well. I am more conscious of myself already, not in the vain sense, but the awareness sense. Being a frequent web surfer, I always thought colours hold the main factor in whether clothes and shoes will be compatible.
I now know that, hey, even if the colours are not complementary or contrasting, they still can match. The main thing is the design. I just hope I catch up fast enough to have at least a decent knowledge of fashion.
The third thing I want to talk about is regrets. I've always thought that I will never regret anything I do. Sad to say, that's just an ideal which I hope I can live by, and it starts by learning to live.
So, I just wish to reminisce on my life and reflect upon what I've regretted. It will start from my birth up to this point in my life.
-I regret that I was born at the time and place that I was, though I could not have changed that. But it would have changed my life tremendously, and I dont mean about the future. Something at birth made me who I am now.
-I dont regret that I was born into my family now. I have all the freedom I can get, though not all the familial comfort in the world.
-I dont regret going to tuition. My very first tuition teacher was my very best, the one who is the base of who I am now.
-I dont regret going to WVPS, where I met the best of friends and had wonderful moments which marked my primary school years as the best part of my academic life yet.
-I regret not studying hard enough to make it into RV like the rest of my friends. I know I could have made it, but I wouldnt have deserved it if I did not even study.
-I did not, however, regret coming to CCKSS, where I met friends who I will not forget, particularly in my Sec 3, 4, and repeat of 4.
-I regret, very very much, not taking literature in Sec 3. I could have scored well in that.
-I also did not regret, not for any price, retaking Os. If not for that, I would not have met someone, who means a lot as a friend, and also who is different from the rest of my friends; Wan yi. Of course, there are other friends whom I made in that year, whom I feel are better than those I made in the last 4 years of secondary school life.
-I regretted going into Architecture. I thought I would like it at first, but interest slowly turned into dullness, which turned into torture. Though it really is not that bad, since it's more of I could not adapt to the project based curriculum.
-I regret not professing my love for everyone I care for, most of all my grandfather. So I hope, if I ever say 'I love you', 'I like you', don't shun me or think that I am just making a joke. It takes a great deal of courage to say, and if just because you think that we will stay like that forever, it's time to wake up.
Blogged at 1:45 am
I dont want to regret anything from now on.
Saturday, 6 November 2010
I used to think I have never regretted anything I did in the past. But truth is, I regretted. All the opportunities to say "I love you", the chances I had, the choices I made, the feelings I kept inside, the questions I never asked. I know it's impossible to make amends - nor was there a need to, for it was a learning point of my life.
Though I cannot change the past, I can use it to shape my future. I dont ever want to say to myself, "Damn, I should have done that." I dont ever want to lose anything that I could and still can salvage. I cannot change that I am an introvert, but I can still pick up the courage to do what I want. And I will. I want to make every single day of my life count.
I just hope you will treasure me as much as I do.
Blogged at 2:06 am
Lessons of lessons.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
-That your happiness should not depend on someone else.
I've been like that in the past, but it's never wise to do so. I've ever really felt happy, almost euphoria, that even people around me could tell. I'd give just to stay like that always.
-That your needs precedes that of everyone's else.
It's not to the extent of being selfish, but more of that, if you cannot even make yourself happy, how do you expect to make others happy?
-That when in doubt, ask.
The knowledge you gain by losing a bit of 'face' is incomparable.
-That you should stand up for something/someone you care for.
If it is important to you, you will protect it. Dont wait until it is too late to salvage.
-To practise what you preach.
I've always advocated positive quotes and idioms, but admittedly, some of them are ideals which I hope to live by, while others are those that I already am living by. Either way, I'll be keeping them with me till coffin come.
-To always go for what you like.
Dont miss out the chance just to be with your friends. Everyone is pursuing their dreams,
-That you shouldnt condemn a person to the negatives just because you dont like the appearance.
I was slightly guilty of this, even though I try not to. I'm now free of it, and I'm happy to say, I do not judge people as much; I wasn't a good judge of character to begin with.
-If you make the effort to do something, you will succeed.
I've fallen short on this point, but I'm trying to make up for it. For now, I am putting in more effort than the previous semester in Architecture, but it is not enough to mark a proper improvement of my grades.
I really want to achieve, but putting words into actions takes much more then just blogging it down. At least I took a first step to aim for. All the best, and see you in the future, as a much better and someone with a future.
Blogged at 11:14 pm
Sunday, 24 October 2010
It's been long, and I doubt anyone is going to read this, but I still want to revive my blogging habits. It gives me a venue to pour out my thoughts, when there is no one else to.
A lot have happened since I last blogged, but in a nutshell, I've been okay, but not well. People have high expectations for life, but I am satisfied as long as I can be happy and carefree. I dont need to be a millionaire, nor be goddamn famous. However, society dictates that, if you do not have money, you will find it hard finding 'happiness'. I cannot change that, but I can still remain happy in spite of it.
I got a feeling I may be starting to come out of my teenage phase; or at least, I want to. I dont want to have so much emotions, nor try to please everyone but myself. I know for a fact that I am altruistic, but in this world, many will take advantage of that. Sometimes what I do to others, is what I want others to do to me. For one, listen. I've yet to find someone who can be a listening ear to me, and a confidant.
I've not have many friends, but I know for sure, that I'll be there for a real friend if the need arises. Just know that I'll always be there for you.
Blogged at 7:33 pm
Monday, 6 September 2010
Hi, this is your captain speaking. We are in the midst of Exam week, but no exams are spotted in the vicinity. Holidays sighted over the horizon. Job an imminent need. Precious allies with pebbles.
Blogged at 6:29 am
Enneagram type 9.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
How to Get Along with Me
• If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
• I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
• Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
• Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and non-judgmentally.
• Ask me questions to help me get clear.
• Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
• Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
• I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
• Let me know you like what I've done or said.
• Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.
Blogged at 2:54 am